what's going on?

The last few weeks were hectic and gruesome.

I lost an uncle to cancer. He spent the last 8 months in a hospital bed.
I visited him quite a few times. Sometimes, I even thought he was getting better, hearing the energy in his voice and his conversations.
But, I guess "Cancer is a sentence, not a word" despite of what the books claim.

I visited him last week before I had to go away on a business trip. I knew deep down this was going to be my last visit to him. I sat at his bedside for around 3 hours. Parts of the visit were fine, we talked idle stuff. We even discussed politics!! But, Saying goodbye was so tough!..

When a dying man looks you in the eye, smiles and says.. "I'm not afraid. I let go. What are you afraid of? Why are you pulling back?" .. you don't have an answer. Eyes brimming with tears I was holding back, I said "Maama, take care." I couldn't get myself to say 'bye.'

He gave me the most peaceful smile, and said "Ofcourse! you take care."

I went home, packed for my trip, spent the next four days thinking about work and nothing else. I came back to Hyderabad and one hour later, got the news that he died.

I had no plans of visiting him after death. I did not want to be a part of the rituals and pay my respects. I already shared my love and he knew that I respected him. No sense in having a look at the dead body.

The next two days I buried myself in work. I've known for a long time that Death destroys life, not the memories.
Something funny/surreal/crazy struck after the day of his demise. I was walking towards my office building and doing a mental checklist of "things to do." Somehow, I ended up putting 'Visit to the hospital' in the evening after work. I told myself, I need not visit the hospital anymore and then a part of my mind said "Maybe, if you just went there, you would find him in his usual bed?"  It was momentary and I found it funny in a pathetic way. The mind keeps playing these tricks.

I don't know what's better: 1. Not knowing that you are gonna die the next minute or the next hour or the next day.
2. Knowing you are gonna die slowly. It's terminal. Say your goodbyes, let go! Set everything right. Tell them all not to cry. Stop thinking "If only.."