So ladies and gentlemen.. we are back to our new age gyan session..
What will it be today?
Today's post is for all those people who are in a relationship. When I say 'in a relationship', it could be any of the following:
a.) "Oh we are crazy about each other.. (joined at the hip!)"
b.) "We are just friends"
c.) "We are still figuring out.. you know..(we don't know either!..)"
d.) "It's bloody complicated.."
e.) "Yeah we are happily married..(and now we are bored to death)"
f.) "I've a crazy crush on her/him.. and she/he still treats me like a friend"
So, some friendly advice for all those friends who are in a relation and want to keep it going for a long long time.
For now, let's just pretend that I know what I'm talking about (humor me!!..)
1. Stay in touch.
When I say stay in touch, I don't mean on the phone. I don't mean 'poking' each other on Facebook. I don't mean bonding over Skype. There is a reason why long-distance doesn't work.
She says 'I love you' on the phone. But what she really wants to say is 'Goddamn it! Work was so hectic today and my cute cubicle mate helped me all day.. and we ate Chinese.. and I almost crashed out in his living room while we watched Harry Potter...uh!.. umm... I'm confused..'
He says 'I miss you too.' But he picks up his pretty classmate's favorite coffee and cupcake today, because she helped with his 'Behavioral Economics' homework.
Life, unfortunately, is not a 3 hour Telugu movie where the girl and the guy can't even think of anyone else. It's been scientifically proven that a person can love more than one person at the same time, with the same passion! So, please try to stay with in the same time zone. If separations are going to be more than six months, just let go..(yeah honey! Just break up as friends!.. there! I said it!) and who knows?.. you might pick up where you left off if both of you can't think of somebody else.
2. Physical, Financial, Personal Space.
Physical:
If you live together or in close proximity, set some boundaries. Don't try to 'de-clutter' his garage tools or basement workshop without letting him know. If she works from home, please understand that her Home-Office is not where you park your butt and create Ipod playlists!
Financial:
Yes, when you are married, the rule is: "What's mine is yours." But cut each other some slack. Yup, he spends a crazy shit load on adding to his video games collection. Yes, his mom always expects him to pick up the tab when he takes her shopping.
Yes, she spends a crazy amount on hair blowout sessions. She always picks up something for her little spoilt brat of a brother!
The rule is - Every one has a few indulgences and idiosyncrasies. Decide which individual indulgences are ok which are not ok for the financial health of the family as a whole.
Personal:
Don't call him a zillion times when he is out with his friends. Her yoga class and sunday brunch with old friends has been a tradition way before you came. Just realize that it's her 'Me Time'
3. Take a break.
It seems to be a contradiction to rule 1. No, it's not. The trekking trip he took with his friends will be such a stress-buster to him and he will love coming back home to the cozy bed and snuggle up. But 1.5 years break while he pursues a Masters.. uh! .. that's something else as pointed in rule 1. Girls, please don't forget your hobbies and do meet with your friends for some drinks! Yes, if it is a guy friend, please make it lunch. (As much as you trust yourself and your man trusts you, late night dinners with male friends can be avoided for everyone's sake! The same rule applies to men and their female friends too..)
Take up at least one activity in life that you are passionate about. Swimming, a game, volunteer work, painting classes, feeding the poor, teaching at a night school, sewing, carpentry. Whatever it is, put your life and soul into it for a few hours every week. This kind of focus just shows that you need not start every sentence with 'we do..' You have a life separate from the relationship. Trust me, being passionate about something in life makes you much more interesting to your partner. Like they say, 'the more interested you are, the more interesting you are!'
4. Don't ask for all-rounders.
Don't try to find an all-rounder in your partner/husband/wife! Your gym buddy, your best friend, you lover, your agony aunt, your career advisor, your therapist, your secret-keeper just can't be the same person! That's asking the person to be a larger than life, all-purpose super performer! Forget it! No one can be 'your everything'.
5.You are a team.
Yeah, you don't tell the children 'yeah baby, dad is crazy sometimes!' Have your quarrels in private. When one parent makes a rule, the other person does not make an exception to that rule. That's just teaching the kid "Oh! mom can make those rules, but dad doesn't mind me breaking them!", "If dad says 'No', ask mom!" This rule applies to the in-laws, domestic help at home, acquaintances and friends in general.
If you don't agree with your spouse/partner, sort it out in private. Don't quarrel before the kids/friends/parents/strangers! DON'T wash your dirty laundry in public!! Make a decision as a team and stick to it. For eg, if friends ask unexpected favors and if you are not sure what to do, tell him/her that you need to think about it (= need to consult spouse/partner.. nothing wrong with that!) and let them know in a day or two. Don't make a commitment to somebody and when your wife complains about it, don't get mad at her!
6. Experiment.
Perhaps the most important one! Please experiment. It's so easy to fall into a comfortable pattern, which turns into a habit and then becomes a chore. Let me put it this way. Imagine thinking of 'making love' as a chore. Oh yeah, did you get the point? Step out of each other's comfort zones and try what the other person likes. No! We are not asking you to try everything the other person suggests. How about this? Learn chess from him. Learn how to cook her favorite dish. Take a dancing class with your partner. Learning new things can be fun.. if you show a little bit of enthusiasm. There is nothing wrong in trying some thing new, falling flat on your ass and laughing about it. It helps you stop taking yourself so seriously. For god's sake, loosen up and have fun.
7. Don't over plan.
Planning is good. But, naming your future kids on your first date, that's just creepy! Stop looking at the future with rose-tinted glasses all the time. Don't dream that big house, complete with bathroom fixtures while you guys haven't thought about real important things like compatibility, core-beliefs, lifestyle and career-plans. There is nothing wrong with 'not putting a ring on her finger' even after two years of 'going exclusive'. There is nothing wrong about 'not being sure' even after he met your parents. Don't plan your life around the society's expectations. At the end of the day, the society doesn't come home to dinner everyday and doesn't watch what happens after dinner! Sometimes, it's ok not to jump! You need not be a dumb little lamb and fall in line. It's ok to be different.
Lots of love,
the mad scientist :P
What will it be today?
Today's post is for all those people who are in a relationship. When I say 'in a relationship', it could be any of the following:
a.) "Oh we are crazy about each other.. (joined at the hip!)"
b.) "We are just friends"
c.) "We are still figuring out.. you know..(we don't know either!..)"
d.) "It's bloody complicated.."
e.) "Yeah we are happily married..(and now we are bored to death)"
f.) "I've a crazy crush on her/him.. and she/he still treats me like a friend"
So, some friendly advice for all those friends who are in a relation and want to keep it going for a long long time.
For now, let's just pretend that I know what I'm talking about (humor me!!..)
1. Stay in touch.
When I say stay in touch, I don't mean on the phone. I don't mean 'poking' each other on Facebook. I don't mean bonding over Skype. There is a reason why long-distance doesn't work.
She says 'I love you' on the phone. But what she really wants to say is 'Goddamn it! Work was so hectic today and my cute cubicle mate helped me all day.. and we ate Chinese.. and I almost crashed out in his living room while we watched Harry Potter...uh!.. umm... I'm confused..'
He says 'I miss you too.' But he picks up his pretty classmate's favorite coffee and cupcake today, because she helped with his 'Behavioral Economics' homework.
Life, unfortunately, is not a 3 hour Telugu movie where the girl and the guy can't even think of anyone else. It's been scientifically proven that a person can love more than one person at the same time, with the same passion! So, please try to stay with in the same time zone. If separations are going to be more than six months, just let go..(yeah honey! Just break up as friends!.. there! I said it!) and who knows?.. you might pick up where you left off if both of you can't think of somebody else.
2. Physical, Financial, Personal Space.
Physical:
If you live together or in close proximity, set some boundaries. Don't try to 'de-clutter' his garage tools or basement workshop without letting him know. If she works from home, please understand that her Home-Office is not where you park your butt and create Ipod playlists!
Financial:
Yes, when you are married, the rule is: "What's mine is yours." But cut each other some slack. Yup, he spends a crazy shit load on adding to his video games collection. Yes, his mom always expects him to pick up the tab when he takes her shopping.
Yes, she spends a crazy amount on hair blowout sessions. She always picks up something for her little spoilt brat of a brother!
The rule is - Every one has a few indulgences and idiosyncrasies. Decide which individual indulgences are ok which are not ok for the financial health of the family as a whole.
Personal:
Don't call him a zillion times when he is out with his friends. Her yoga class and sunday brunch with old friends has been a tradition way before you came. Just realize that it's her 'Me Time'
3. Take a break.
It seems to be a contradiction to rule 1. No, it's not. The trekking trip he took with his friends will be such a stress-buster to him and he will love coming back home to the cozy bed and snuggle up. But 1.5 years break while he pursues a Masters.. uh! .. that's something else as pointed in rule 1. Girls, please don't forget your hobbies and do meet with your friends for some drinks! Yes, if it is a guy friend, please make it lunch. (As much as you trust yourself and your man trusts you, late night dinners with male friends can be avoided for everyone's sake! The same rule applies to men and their female friends too..)
Take up at least one activity in life that you are passionate about. Swimming, a game, volunteer work, painting classes, feeding the poor, teaching at a night school, sewing, carpentry. Whatever it is, put your life and soul into it for a few hours every week. This kind of focus just shows that you need not start every sentence with 'we do..' You have a life separate from the relationship. Trust me, being passionate about something in life makes you much more interesting to your partner. Like they say, 'the more interested you are, the more interesting you are!'
4. Don't ask for all-rounders.
Don't try to find an all-rounder in your partner/husband/wife! Your gym buddy, your best friend, you lover, your agony aunt, your career advisor, your therapist, your secret-keeper just can't be the same person! That's asking the person to be a larger than life, all-purpose super performer! Forget it! No one can be 'your everything'.
5.You are a team.
Yeah, you don't tell the children 'yeah baby, dad is crazy sometimes!' Have your quarrels in private. When one parent makes a rule, the other person does not make an exception to that rule. That's just teaching the kid "Oh! mom can make those rules, but dad doesn't mind me breaking them!", "If dad says 'No', ask mom!" This rule applies to the in-laws, domestic help at home, acquaintances and friends in general.
If you don't agree with your spouse/partner, sort it out in private. Don't quarrel before the kids/friends/parents/strangers! DON'T wash your dirty laundry in public!! Make a decision as a team and stick to it. For eg, if friends ask unexpected favors and if you are not sure what to do, tell him/her that you need to think about it (= need to consult spouse/partner.. nothing wrong with that!) and let them know in a day or two. Don't make a commitment to somebody and when your wife complains about it, don't get mad at her!
6. Experiment.
Perhaps the most important one! Please experiment. It's so easy to fall into a comfortable pattern, which turns into a habit and then becomes a chore. Let me put it this way. Imagine thinking of 'making love' as a chore. Oh yeah, did you get the point? Step out of each other's comfort zones and try what the other person likes. No! We are not asking you to try everything the other person suggests. How about this? Learn chess from him. Learn how to cook her favorite dish. Take a dancing class with your partner. Learning new things can be fun.. if you show a little bit of enthusiasm. There is nothing wrong in trying some thing new, falling flat on your ass and laughing about it. It helps you stop taking yourself so seriously. For god's sake, loosen up and have fun.
7. Don't over plan.
Planning is good. But, naming your future kids on your first date, that's just creepy! Stop looking at the future with rose-tinted glasses all the time. Don't dream that big house, complete with bathroom fixtures while you guys haven't thought about real important things like compatibility, core-beliefs, lifestyle and career-plans. There is nothing wrong with 'not putting a ring on her finger' even after two years of 'going exclusive'. There is nothing wrong about 'not being sure' even after he met your parents. Don't plan your life around the society's expectations. At the end of the day, the society doesn't come home to dinner everyday and doesn't watch what happens after dinner! Sometimes, it's ok not to jump! You need not be a dumb little lamb and fall in line. It's ok to be different.
Lots of love,
the mad scientist :P
6 comments:
Dont completely agree with the first point.A long distance relationship does work out if the you are really bonded.
Really liked the way you presented about over-planning.
Okay I dont want to appear like a stalker who is obsessed to comment on every post of yours, but why is the mad scientist prowling in the strange zones of relationship where logic does the least business :p?
@Lost in Time.. hmm, I like your feedback. But heard of too many nightmarish stories from friends - which almost bordered on the lines of 'double dating' .. So that's where rule.1 is coming from :)
@Agnostic... the mad scientist takes interest in numerous issues. Her latest obsession is relations. The strange lands of relations are no more strange as half her friends are married, a quarter are in relations and another quarter are in complicated situations :)With the 'greater good' in mind, she picked her subject matter. I won't call it logic, but basic commonsense has a lot to do wtth love.. but how would you know :P
@Agnostic.. dude how many times do I need to ask. I asked in the last post too.. When are u gonna blog man??!!!
hahaha how would I knw? hmm I wish I had a relationship so that I can tell you what I knw with some credibility :P.
Also I decided not to write anymore. Looking at my old posts has told me that i am too lousy a writer. Dont want to shame myself anymore :p
I totally agree with point 7!!! Can someone ask people around me to read this point in the blog...plzzzz
Post a Comment