what's going on?

The last few weeks were hectic and gruesome.

I lost an uncle to cancer. He spent the last 8 months in a hospital bed.
I visited him quite a few times. Sometimes, I even thought he was getting better, hearing the energy in his voice and his conversations.
But, I guess "Cancer is a sentence, not a word" despite of what the books claim.

I visited him last week before I had to go away on a business trip. I knew deep down this was going to be my last visit to him. I sat at his bedside for around 3 hours. Parts of the visit were fine, we talked idle stuff. We even discussed politics!! But, Saying goodbye was so tough!..

When a dying man looks you in the eye, smiles and says.. "I'm not afraid. I let go. What are you afraid of? Why are you pulling back?" .. you don't have an answer. Eyes brimming with tears I was holding back, I said "Maama, take care." I couldn't get myself to say 'bye.'

He gave me the most peaceful smile, and said "Ofcourse! you take care."

I went home, packed for my trip, spent the next four days thinking about work and nothing else. I came back to Hyderabad and one hour later, got the news that he died.

I had no plans of visiting him after death. I did not want to be a part of the rituals and pay my respects. I already shared my love and he knew that I respected him. No sense in having a look at the dead body.

The next two days I buried myself in work. I've known for a long time that Death destroys life, not the memories.
Something funny/surreal/crazy struck after the day of his demise. I was walking towards my office building and doing a mental checklist of "things to do." Somehow, I ended up putting 'Visit to the hospital' in the evening after work. I told myself, I need not visit the hospital anymore and then a part of my mind said "Maybe, if you just went there, you would find him in his usual bed?"  It was momentary and I found it funny in a pathetic way. The mind keeps playing these tricks.

I don't know what's better: 1. Not knowing that you are gonna die the next minute or the next hour or the next day.
2. Knowing you are gonna die slowly. It's terminal. Say your goodbyes, let go! Set everything right. Tell them all not to cry. Stop thinking "If only.."

Types of Domestic Abuse

Disclaimer: Before you jump to conclusions, No!.. I'm not talking about men abusing women or vice versa. I'm talking about the kinds of abuse I do. If you are thinking about filing a case, "This is work of fiction, and any resemblance to actual people including me is purely coincidental"


My Handbag:

Yes, my handbag is the most abused person on earth :)
The way I handle it .. trust me.. if I handled a grown up man like this, he would cry. (of course I can make men cry even without treating them like my handbag :P )
The other day I was shopping, and I suddenly realized the amount of torture and toil my bag takes.
I always carry big bags. My fav is a black, no nonsense, comfortable bag from Baggit. I personally feel a lot of thought has gone into it's design. The separate counters and zips to hold little things... they just make my life easy.

My home keys, my pen drives, CDs, Big fat books, my pens, little paper notes scribbled when some idea pops into my head, my ultra sleek cel phone which is always hiding, my lip gloss and eye liner (yes those are two things I carry), my shades(can't do without them this summer), n last but not least my wallet. I literally carry my world along with me.

But then, the way I dump half this stuff - including all the grocery bills, shopping bills, little ear rings I may have picked at some store, hair clips and paper clips, a newspaper clipping I need to save, my random to-do lists, my tooth brush(I always carry one!) - just made me realize the amount of crap load my bag takes.

And when I don't find a certain little thing, I have this ridiculous habit of shaking the bag and tossing it up (as if it was a magic sack, I just have to dip my fingers and Lo!.. found it!) If my fingers don't find what I'm looking for, I toss all the contents on to my table and ... oh!.. you know the rest :)

My Bed

This is another eternally abused persons, actually abused in a more intimate way. :P

My bed, on a very good day, is filled with only wires. Internet cable, laptop charger, phone charger, ear phones. If it is only this stuff, I would say my double-cot bed is pretty clean. But most of the days (well.. always!) my CDs, my laptop, my books, the clean clothes which I took out from drying, my unfolded dupatta which I discarded after a tiring work day, the newspaper I read in bed that day morning - all of these are on the bed. Given that I eat my food before the laptop, so my bed serves as the dining table .. Voila! How versatile is that? It's my dinner table, my study table, my work table and my bed too!

It takes around 20 minutes to make my bed, out of which it only takes 3 minutes to lay the bed sheets. So you know what stuff I need to clean up for the rest of the time :)

Will keep adding to this post of abused people in my life..

Movies

I watched 'An Education'. It is beautiful!
Carey Mulligan is amazing. She did a great job and the Oscar nomination was worth it.

Incidentally I also watched 'The Blind Side'. It was good.
Sandra Bullock did a decent job. Somehow, the movie did not touch me. Maybe, it's the Indian ethos.. taking in a street kid is very common. Infact, my dad being a teacher, I lost count of the number of children that stayed at our place - some of them for months together.

Probably that's the reason why it did not seem like an 'out-of-this-world' act of kindness for a rich family to take care of a black kid. Nevertheless, the Oscar bosses felt she deserved the golden statuette.

I watched Julie and Julia. Both Amy Adams and Meryl Streep were amazing. Infact Meryl Streep knocked me out (as ever) with all the mannerisms, idiosyncrasies of Julia Child. She did an amazing job as ever. But I guess it is a usual habit of the Oscar guys to nominate her (along with Helen Mirren) every year. Like - "Oh!.. let's not forget our default nominee - Meryl". 16 Oscar nominations!! This women gives all the actors (both the men and women) in hollywood a run for their money with her talent.

I haven't watched the 'Last Station' and 'Precious' yet. Strangely, 'The Hurt Locker' has been available for the last 2 weeks and I can't get myself to watch it. I have this very strong feeling that I would be disappointed!! ..

Humble Pie..

The year 2010, at least until now, has been a lot of 'eating humble pie'

Goals not reached .. I tried, but when was 'just trying' enough??

I always believed.. Blood doesn't necessarily make someone family. We always choose our family. This year I'm waiting to say 'Yes!.. I'm right'

In the last two years I met some incredibly giving, kind people.

Last year I met someone who could be one of my business partners.

This year, I learnt a new lesson. It helped me grow up. So far So Good!

The first quarter of the year is almost over. I hope the coming nine months bring some new triumphs. But, you know what?... I'm not afraid of learning lessons.

Let's see how it goes!

Replacement..

I had a funny call today morning.

An acquaintance/friend of a friend called up. He knew I was starting something. A few months ago he had different plans about his career. He wanted to take a break from work and and go back to school.

But, as things dint work out, he decided to change careers and find something new. So far So Good! He asks me what I'm working on. I just give him the barest of details, cause I'm not ready to talk about the startup - It's still in the research phase.

When I give him the general idea, he says he would like to be on the team. (Okay.. Good!.. I like your enthusiasm!)

Then, he goes on to say it's gonna look good on his resume when he applies next year - (Let me get this straight.. You "would like to be on the core team of my startup" and tell me that it's gonna look great on your resume next year when you apply to B-school again.. all this in the same breath!?)

How funny is that!... And you want me to go back to my team and say "Hey guys..We have somebody who wants to really work with us.. uh!.. just for an year.. as it looks good on his resume!"

Oh, btw I watched 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'

I'm starting to fall in love with Amy Adams after Enchanted, Julie & Julia, Doubt.

We finally have a new, 'real actress ' on the block :)

Random..

Yesterday a friend was complaining about the number of rifts between married couples these days, and I couldn't help wondering if she was right.

She told me an interesting story. One of her girlfriend's has been married for the last 5 years. The couple already have a cute little daughter. But the husband and wife had a big fight when he felt that she was not being true to him. I can't cover the whole incident here. But let me tell you, it boils down to lack of trust and insecurity.

After discussing about that, my friend told me something very beautiful. Her dad and mum were a happily married couple until recently - until her dad passed away due to Cancer.

In her own words, "My dad was the head of the family, but my mum had the last word!.. always! My dad respected my mum to do things her way. Sometimes, when he had to get some groceries from the shop down the street, he would insist that my mum come along. He loved to do everything together with her, He wanted those walks and arguments with her. This is how it was until he was bed ridden with Cancer. Where is that old school romance gone? Our generation has so many places and resources to hang out as a couple. But these days people cant get over their egos and insecurities.."

I could do nothing but wonder who I'll be with.. Talk about wishful thinking!!

Oh, btw Last week I checked up something on the dictionary and it made me happy!

I checked out the meaning of the word EMOTIONS.. yeah you got it right!.. emotions

Somewhere, deep down, a doubt - Am I emotional or not?? And is my right to 'Not share every instinctive feeling' with somebody right or not?

So my favorite online dictionary - Dictionary.com defines emotions as below(No.. I don't check out Oxford/Cambridge/Webster)

emotions :

1. an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

2. any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.

Yes!.. Yes! .. Goddamn it! I am emotional!... I feel joy when I discuss new ideas. I feel fear when I start implementing one of the projects, I hate it when things slow me down. I love it when I dream :)

I am happy I made peace with myself about something which has been nagging me at the back of my mind.

I watched Julie and Julia. I loved it!...

Somebody finally said the words, which I have been fearing to say, to escape the 'unhealthy eating', 'reckless, fattening habits' tags...

IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN BUTTER?

I completed my first Sigma Force novel - Black Order. It was amazing, at least until the end. The pace of the book was so fast... uff .. I literally ran along. Friends thought that I was going mad with the number of times I said "Oh Shit!.. n "F**k" during the novel.

On the more lighter side, I completed reading P.G Wodehouse's 'Uncle Dynamite'. I read it at a very slow pace ... "Pongo, My boy, Don't hurry it.. It will come to you" :)

As usual, P.G. Wodehouse is always bright, funny... like the warm sunshine which makes you breath in lungs full of fresh air, adds a lithe to your step and makes you say "What a nice day"

Where are you?

Situation: X and Y plan to meet up/ X is waiting for Y. Now Y doesn't turn up at the expected time. So X calls Y to check where he/she is. When I say 'where' - I mean exactly that!!! 'WHERE'

The following are some of the answers I get...

Question: Where are you?

Ans 1: Here!! Just coming (You Idiot!... I'm waiting.... I need to know until which point you have traveled!...)

Ans 2: In the Auto (Ans 2 generally given by the fairer sex!... I dint ask what mode of Transport!..)

Ans 3: 2 minutes/ 5minutes .. I'll be there! (I dint ask how much time I'll have to wait... and for the record I have been waiting for more than 2o minutes before I gave you the bloody call! So you better tell me 'where are you'... not how long I'll have to wait!!)

Ans 4: With the rest of the gang (Holy mother of God!... I know you are with the rest of the gang and I'm at the bloody ticket counter waiting like a moron!!.. Where are you?... not Whom are you with!!!)

Ans 5: So so Sorry!... I'll be there in a minute (Apologize when you are here buddy!.. and why do I get the feeling it'll take more than minute!?)

My experiments at work

“Man is born free, but he is in chains everywhere”

Yeah, yeah, yeah!.. I know that it is a bit heavy for what I’m gonna blog about.
But, couldn’t help heighten the sense of drama when talking about my 'poor plight' :)

I work for a multinational IT company. Like any other IT company we have policies on Intellectual Property and handling sensitive client information.

But, I can bet my next month’s salary (oh!.. I’m expecting a hike!) that my company takes the prize for obsessive, compulsive, restrictive policies which push the employees to their nerves ends.

I totally understand the restriction on camera mobiles, PMUs, pass-keys for mails, and three levels of login authentication when I handle the client data (Oh!.. I do all these everyday and they have become a part of my life)

But, what ticks me off is, I can't access my company mail and use the printer when I need to. I always have to use the kiosk to access my company mail. These machines run at a snail pace and the worst part - I can't connect to printers or scanners remotely from the kiosk!..

Last week I had 25 pages to print and my kiosk machine wouldn't recognize any of the Printers in the entire development centre. (oh!.. it's not 'my kiosk machine'. I have to share it with the rest of the employees in the secure area. We have around 20 machines for 50 employees...always a rush)

After trying a while, I gave up trying to print using the kiosk machine. I walk up to the common printing area. We have a common machine connected to a printer and scanner on the fourth floor. It has a common login. The password and username are provided - stuck to the table- there. Now, some really nice support and maintenance guy changed the password and conveniently forgot to change it on the 'stick-it'.

Finally.. Back to where I belong..

Finally...

I'm going home!.. After more than 6 months.

Received some good news yesterday.

Work is hectic, but I'm enjoying it.. Things are going good.

I felt like celebrating, so I'm blogging an hour before I board the bus.

Two large vodka down. I'm feeling good... not as good as with a single malt.. But, still..

The day was great.. Interesting things at work, good food, people who made me smile and wished me well.. a couple of drinks, and P.G. Wodehouse to read in the bus..

Turning into a big fan of Aardvark!

Finally.. back where I belong.. like they say, 'Home is where the heart is'

What's new?

1. At work, it's an overload of work this quarter, with the client looking at new projects and ramp ups in old ones. One of my team-mates is taking a break from work for a month. (rounds of morning sickness .. She's pregnant J). So this quarter will go at frantic, speedo-meter breaking pace.

2. At home, I need to visit my parents. It's almost 6 months since I visited my home-town which is around 250Km from Hyd (what am I doing? Saving the world or what? Why can't I just take some time and go home???). I want my bed back! I want my closet, my terrace, my TV, my study table, my pooh-bear pillows. I want to hug, fight, laugh, forget, sleep, laze, walk, quarrel, kiss.

3. I finally seemed to have packed, unpacked, and packed again successfully. I got to remember "NO MORE SHOPPING" for at least another 3 months. (Hopefully I'll remember that 2 weeks down the line.)

4. Finally, some business plans taking shape. Let's see how it goes. Initial capital is always a problem, but this time I want to take the risk.

5. I'm eating healthy. Avoiding Soda. Eating early, reading for a while, doing business research and making an active attempt to hit the bed before 1 am.

6. Still reading, not yet done with the new books

Random

I'm reading two fiction and one non-fiction books right now.
My sis is here!.. yuppiee!!.. party time!
Today, I'm planning a night-out. I need to complete reading and understanding the retail industry, growth patterns, case studies - Hell of a task, but absolutely necessary. I won't deny its gonna be exciting.

Two rendezvous sessions this weekend. Hope something will be decided and I can start something concrete *fingers crossed*

Oh!.. I need to pay up to my uncle. He is one of those extra generous guys who gave me a big sum of money on loan. Now I can repay him *Thanks Uncle!... sniff sniff! I love you*

I need to go furniture shopping. Yeah Yeah... I know!... Sivani is finally settling down and buying furniture... She is tired of her nomadic life, moving between cities and houses. Let's see how long she likes this sedentary life!

I need to find some time and start off Yoga and meditation. Too many unnecessary hassles, explanations, re-checks.I must be doing something wrong!.. I need to be more focused, and more clear in thoughts.

Find my 'Chi' :) Where is my Zen master? *scratches her head*

goof-ups^9 = blunders

I get a strong feeling that my blunders have far reaching affects than my achievements.

Inspite of my addiction to 'attention to detail', I can still make mistakes!

The past few months have been extremely humbling, in light of all my goof-ups!

Movies of 2009

Yeah!, This comes almost a month after 2009. Still, I can't let the year go by without writing about my favorite Movies

In no particular order:

Avatar: Can you beat that? Well, sinking a ship is big. Terminator makes him a Sci-fi creator. What does creating a whole new world make him? Atleast for me, Cameron is the new, stylized, hip J.R.R Tolkien. Kudos to the new 'virtual-cameras'!!

Watchmen: I'm a total sucker for graphic novels and I go crazy with excitement when they make them into movies. Zack Snyder stole my heart with 300 and killed me lovingly with watchmen.

X-Men Origins Wolverine: It's always difficult to keep people interested in a prequel. What ever the critics say, personally I love Wolverine( My favorite X-Men). I love Jackman and Liev Schreiber baring their claws and going at each other.

Transformers-Revenge of the Fallen: What were they thinking at the end? Why is hollywood giving me glimpses of bollywood? Matrix of leadership!?.. Ok!.. Primes have souls whom Sam sees when he dies? uff!.. So the bad guys get Sam's parents to blackmail him? huh!... BOLLYWOOD!!!

The Hangover: Hmm!.. we can't pass this year without mentioning this movie. I can already see my guy friends grinning at the mention of it. What more can I say?

The Ugly Truth: Yes!, It's a cliche. But, I liked it. Common!, which girl doesn't like watch Gerald Butler? uff!.. Knocked me off with 300 and made me laugh in The Ugly Truth. A total popcorn flick.

Ice Age-Dawn of the Dinosaurs: Scrat finally found a fickle minded lady who makes him forget the acorn for a while!.. Aren't Ellie and Manny always cute with their enormous bottoms?! :P Oops! Sorry!

Inglorious Bastards: Quentin Tarantino does it again!..Wow! He let his imagination run wild and Hitler dies in a movie theatre?!! Finally the movies saved us from the 2nd world war!.. That is so hot!! You know what Mr. Tarantino?.."I think this might just be your masterpiece" :)

2012: Yet another movie, a mixture of mishaps, global-warming, introspection and hope. Cheers to the magnificent special affects. Balanced performances by every one. John Cussack is back and it's nice to watch him again. Special mention to Sidney Poitier.

Jennifer's Body: How could I forget this movie. Hmm.. Dablo Cody. She gave me a shocker when I read some of her blogposts. I loved Juno. Jennifer's Body is the same on certain things- the same un-apologizing tone in which the movie is told. But then I had a certain relish and fun watching a flesh-eating cheerleader!.. Trust me!.. It was exciting!! It won't go down as great cinema, but man!, who doesn't like some vampire, lesbian, pop killings - horror/comedy/thriller - all in one?

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: It is difficult to keep the audience interested after 5 parts. It is more difficult to impress the audience if 90% of them have read the series and constantly discuss them over the web. Cheers to the director and the kids (Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliff et al). It's interesting to watch them grow up.

Rest of the movies I kinda liked : Up, Aliens vs Monsters, Star Trek - But they just din't touch the mark!

Looking back, half the movies I liked this year seem to be in the Fantasy/Sci-Fi genre.

My Mac

It's been six months since I started working on a macbook.

Some time last summer, when I held this little baby in my hands, I felt wonderful.

I called up my best friend and said "I just had a baby!.."

B: "Okay?..!!"

Me: "Don't you want to know who is the father?"

B: "Who is the father?"

Me: "Huh!.. Steve Jobs"

B: "Oh bloody hell!.. So got the macbook huh?"

The ensuing months have been constant exploration, wonderful posters designed, and pure bliss. I almost forgot some of the Windows shortcuts. Some times I keep looking for the Command button on my office system.

I can't stand the right click button on the mouse. I end up using two fingers on the other laptops' touch pads

It's been great all this time. Suddenly since two days, my mac has become slow. It has periodic snags and glitches. I'm sure copying all those files from external hard disks and other comps must've put some virus on my machine.

My 250GB is almost full with less than 1GB free space left. I guess it's time I organize things on the system, clear some space and check out if the problem persists longer. Hopefully, there are no viruses or bugs introduced, coz, I don't really have time to re-format the machine anytime soon.

Maybe, I should face the fact that macs may not be as robust as they are publicized. Like a friend once said, "Just as people fall catch a fever and cold, systems get viruses. So get used to it and stop being over protective about your mac."

Let's see how it goes after I clear up some space. I've grown tired of the spinning wait in the last 2 days.

Google

I was an atheist, But a few things -Google being one of them- made me believe in God.

(Well, I found the balance. I'm non-practicing now!)

The latest news on Google's stand on China really made me happy.

Check this out:

http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/new-approach-to-china.html

The guy who posted this, David Drummond is the Chief Legal Officer at Google.

Last November, I was shocked that Obama with all his honesty, plain talk and hope said "I'm a big supporter of non-censorship" in China.

I couldn't believe that he would not stand up and say, "This is not right"

But finally, Google's stand makes it clear to the world and especially China, that the right to information is the most important one.

It makes it clear that there are companies and corporates who wouldn't mind losing business, if their ethics and vision are compromised.

The story goes that Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Shmidt had heated debates before they issued the ultimatum to China. Brin was the biggest supporter of the stand Google took, while Eric felt that they could do more good by continuing to work in China

The irony is after Google announced its "new approach to China", many Chinese websites and newspapers translated David Drummond's post into Chinese and published it (Oh btw, Google's official blog is blocked in China, so they can't see the statement even if they understand English)

But, the Chinese government issued a statement telling all the Chinese media (newspapers, websites, TV) to downplay the Google issue. Since then, the translated versions are not available. The news about Google's stand is vaguley mentioned.

Talk about Censorship over Censorship!!

Love you guys at Google. Thanks for being my own personal angels. Thanks for organizing the world's info for me!

Thanks for standing by the "Right to Information"

Running against time

Last week was frantic running,
very little or no sleep
Stuck to the system for more than 18 hours a day
Thanks vagabond, for helping out!... owe you on it
Finally 2 down, 2 more to go! :P

I = sum (..

There are moments in your life when you feel that, every small thing, every simple detail of the past happened for a greater purpose.

Today, I had this surreal feeling that, what I am today is a summation of all those tiny little chances, old wise men who never knew me, random acts which can never be pinned down.

1. I picked a book by the age of 2. I picked my first picture-story book and I never knew that books would change my life.
2. All my summer holidays, I had to exercise my writing skills, attention to detail, and imagination by reading an English story and a Telugu story and re-writing them in my own words.
3. My history text book was one of my favorite book because it had lessons about Harappan culture, Egyptian, Chinese and Mesopotamian civilizations.
4. I loved maths puzzles
5. I was into gymnastics for 3 years, into karate for 1 year, into music for 2 years, into craft for 5 years.
6. I went to college, worked on every club I could get into, spent half my time outside the classroom, in the group discussion room.
7. I picked my friends because they could think, and act on their own and understood the power of logic.

Results

1. Thank god for Alexander the Great, Thank god for Abraham Lincoln, for Steve Jobs, David Ogilvy, for 12 angry men, Oskar Schindler, Steven Spielberg, Gail Wynand, Ayn Rand, Atticus Finch. I'll never stop being amazed by books, stories, the power of creativity and imagination. I can proudly claim to be a excellent story teller for children, a decent writer and a constant learner.
2. I rarely forget something I read, I never miss out details. I know how to customize a piece of writing and pick out what I want. More importantly, I know how to connect the dots and get the big picture.
3. It humbles me to think about the generations which came before me, the power of their creativity, imagination and ideas. I am shamelessly addicted to museums, art history, architecture, science, discoveries, inventions and above all, the capacity of a human mind.
4. I owe my logic, clarity of thought and problem solving skills to this.
5. I'm a jack of all trades. Today I understand Chinese and Indian martial arts and the concepts behind them, the different forms of music ranging from Indian folk, Carnatic, Hindustani, Rock, Scottish, Jazz, Blues, Country, Reggae, Alternative-Rock and everything else.
6. I look back and realize that I have never used one theorem I learnt in the class. My outside class activities showed me the real world. I tinkered my logic. I learnt new skills. I met people and was humbled. I set the bar high and achieved things. I understood the power of team work. I learnt the power of argument.
7. This has been the most unconscious action which has sealed my chance at 'living life on my own terms.' Thank god for friends who give space, who understand my obsession to learn, who see my visions and help me, who catch me when I fall and most of all who share a high degree of mutual respect for each other.

Yeah!.. I sound like a pompous ass. But I couldn't help acknowledge all the random activities and conscious activities which define my 'I'