Keep it going..

So ladies and gentlemen.. we are back to our new age gyan session..
What will it be today?

Today's post is for all those people who are in a relationship. When I say 'in a relationship', it could be any of the following:
a.) "Oh we are crazy about each other.. (joined at the hip!)"
b.) "We are just friends"
c.) "We are still figuring out.. you know..(we don't know either!..)"
d.) "It's bloody complicated.."
e.) "Yeah we are happily married..(and now we are bored to death)"
f.) "I've a crazy crush on her/him.. and she/he still treats me like a friend"


So, some friendly advice for all those friends who are in a relation and want to keep it going for a long long time.
For now, let's just pretend that I know what I'm talking about (humor me!!..)

1. Stay in touch.

When I say stay in touch, I don't mean on the phone. I don't mean 'poking' each other on Facebook. I don't mean bonding over Skype. There is a reason why long-distance doesn't work.
She says 'I love you' on the phone. But what she really wants to say is  'Goddamn it! Work was so hectic today and my cute cubicle mate helped me all day.. and we ate Chinese.. and I almost crashed out in his living room while we watched Harry Potter...uh!.. umm... I'm confused..'
He says 'I miss you too.' But he picks up his pretty classmate's favorite coffee and cupcake today, because she helped with his 'Behavioral Economics' homework.
Life, unfortunately, is not a 3 hour Telugu movie where the girl and the guy can't even think of anyone else. It's been scientifically proven that a person can love more than one person at the same time, with the same passion! So, please try to stay with in the same time zone. If separations are going to be more than six months, just let go..(yeah honey! Just break up as friends!.. there! I said it!) and who knows?.. you might pick up where you left off if both of you can't think of somebody else.


2. Physical, Financial, Personal Space.

Physical:
If you live together or in close proximity, set some boundaries. Don't try to 'de-clutter' his garage tools or basement workshop without letting him know. If she works from home, please understand that her Home-Office is not where you park your butt and create Ipod playlists!
Financial:
Yes, when you are married, the rule is: "What's mine is yours." But cut each other some slack. Yup, he spends a crazy shit load on adding to his video games collection. Yes, his mom always expects him to pick up the tab when he takes her shopping.
Yes, she spends a crazy amount on hair blowout sessions. She always picks up something for her little spoilt brat of a brother!
The rule is - Every one has a few indulgences and idiosyncrasies. Decide which individual indulgences are ok which are not ok for the financial health of the family as a whole.
Personal:
Don't call him a zillion times when he is out with his friends. Her yoga class and sunday brunch with old friends has been a tradition way before you came. Just realize that it's her 'Me Time'


3. Take a break.

It seems to be a contradiction to rule 1. No, it's not. The trekking trip he took with his friends will be such a stress-buster to him and he will love coming back home to the cozy bed and snuggle up. But 1.5 years break while he pursues a Masters.. uh! .. that's something else as pointed in rule 1. Girls, please don't forget your hobbies and do meet with your friends for some drinks! Yes, if it is a guy friend, please make it lunch. (As much as you trust yourself and your man trusts you, late night dinners with male friends can be avoided for everyone's sake! The same rule applies to men and their female friends too..)
Take up at least one activity in life that you are passionate about. Swimming, a game, volunteer work, painting classes, feeding the poor, teaching at a night school, sewing, carpentry. Whatever it is, put your life and soul into it for a few hours every week. This kind of focus just shows that you need not start every sentence with 'we do..' You have a life separate from the relationship. Trust me, being passionate about something in life makes you much more interesting to your partner. Like they say, 'the more interested you are, the more interesting you are!'


4. Don't ask for all-rounders.

Don't try to find an all-rounder in your partner/husband/wife! Your gym buddy, your best friend, you lover, your agony aunt, your career advisor, your therapist, your secret-keeper just can't be the same person! That's asking the person to be a larger than life, all-purpose super performer! Forget it! No one can be 'your everything'.


5.You are a team.

Yeah, you don't tell the children 'yeah baby, dad is crazy sometimes!' Have your quarrels in private. When one parent makes a rule, the other person does not make an exception to that rule. That's just teaching the kid "Oh! mom can make those rules, but dad doesn't mind me breaking them!", "If dad says 'No', ask mom!" This rule applies to the in-laws, domestic help at home, acquaintances and friends in general.
If you don't agree with your spouse/partner, sort it out in private. Don't quarrel before the kids/friends/parents/strangers! DON'T wash your dirty laundry in public!! Make a decision as a team and stick to it. For eg, if friends ask unexpected favors and if you are not sure what to do, tell him/her that you need to think about it (= need to consult spouse/partner.. nothing wrong with that!) and let them know in a day or two. Don't make a commitment to somebody and when your wife complains about it, don't get mad at her!

6. Experiment.

Perhaps the most important one! Please experiment. It's so easy to fall into a comfortable pattern, which turns into a habit and then becomes a chore. Let me put it this way. Imagine thinking of 'making love' as a chore. Oh yeah, did you get the point? Step out of each other's comfort zones and try what the other person likes. No! We are not asking you to try everything the other person suggests. How about this? Learn chess from him. Learn how to cook her favorite dish. Take a dancing class with your partner. Learning new things can be fun.. if you show a little bit of enthusiasm. There is nothing wrong in trying some thing new, falling flat on your ass and laughing about it. It helps you stop taking yourself so seriously. For god's sake, loosen up and have fun.

7. Don't over plan.

Planning is good. But, naming your future kids on your first date, that's just creepy! Stop looking at the future with rose-tinted glasses all the time. Don't dream that big house, complete with bathroom fixtures while you guys haven't thought about real important things like compatibility, core-beliefs, lifestyle  and career-plans. There is nothing wrong with 'not putting a ring on her finger' even after two years of 'going exclusive'. There is nothing wrong about 'not being sure' even after he met your parents. Don't plan your life around the society's expectations. At the end of the day, the society doesn't come home to dinner everyday and doesn't watch what happens after dinner! Sometimes, it's ok not to jump! You need not be a dumb little lamb and fall in line. It's ok to be different.

Lots of love,
the mad scientist :P

Strong people..

I've been wanting to write another post about "How to be a man at work." A little quirky, a little funny, a little bit of new age gyan.  But, something happened yesterday. I've been wanting to blog about it.

I'm having some really rough days at work. Yes, so rough that I don't mind giving a tiny bit of the actual picture of what's going on. I report to a particular management group (manager, senior manager, group-manager, so on up the line. Let's call this management group-A. MG-A love my work. My interaction with this group is on a daily basis. They see me deal with everyday craziness at work and they trust my decisions and actions.

Now there is management group-B. MG-B deals with my appraisals. They take care of my promotions, my appraisal ratings, my aspirations. Basically they hold the power to influence my growth in the company. But, they never get to see the great work I do. They never know how tough it is to work with a demanding client. Heck, they don't even sit in the same city and same client network.

The client loves me. MG-A loves me. MG-B who hold the power to get something moving for me doesn't care a pin for me. Add to this craziness, the fact that MG-B has some really bad managers who promise things, never deliver. They would even go to the extent of making your life hell sometimes. MG-B has it's own agenda - Help those people who you meet everyday. (Yes, I'm not a part of this awesome group whose only unique quality is they share the same office building as the managers)

To end the story, things are rough with my career growth and it's taking every bit my energy to be strong and resilient.
I'm lost in my own world with my own troubles. Now, I strongly believe Universe (or God, whatever you choose to call it) has a beautiful way of explaining things to you.

This is my story where I realized that I'm not even on the list of 'strong people.'
Here it goes... I came home yesterday and switched on the TV as usual. I was a big fan of the Oprah Winfrey show for years. Yes, I use the past-tense here. I never missed her show during my under-graduation years. She introduced me to an avenue of topics from psychology, career, relationships, world wide charities, community work, power of positivity and resilience. But later on, some how the show seemed to be all about celebrity guests who got to answer just funny and easy questions, well.. just because they were celebrities. Oprah stopped asking them the tough questions, or stopped holding them responsible for their actions and choices. It was all about fun and adulation. That did not sit well with me, nor did some of the opinions/concepts expressed by some of the guests/writers/experts, which later were proved to be wrong.

So, I stopped following her show for a long while. Recently for lack of good talk shows, I started watching some of the old episodes being aired on a new channel on Indian TV. Let's cut back to yesterday. I come home and switch on the TV and it's Oprah hour. Topic of the hour - Amazing families.

Picture this: 1. The Roach Family. The husband and wife are dwarfs. The husband is a a criminal lawyer and the wife works for NASA.(yep! you surprised that dwarves can be alpha-personalities and power couples??..) This couple overcame many limitations in education, at work and in life in general. They tried having a baby. Due to her small size, the wife delivered still born babies.. 3 times. Then one day, a friend sent them a picture of a dwarf baby, who had been abandoned by his parents in Philippines. They had 24 hours to decide if they wanted to adopt the baby..
Read about their life here..
Cut back, now they have adopted 3 children from different countries, who have been abandoned because they were dwarves. They have a house with 20 rooms, 30 feet ceilings. Basically they live in a 56000 sq.ft house(Talk about living 'KING SIZE'!) Yep, and their favorite drive is a Hummer. Oh! by the way, if you were wondering, dwarves can drive any car, with the right mechanism built in.
Watch their house and how they live here

Picture this: 2. Children with Autism.
The stat goes that: 1 in every 150 children are affected by Autism.Yes, we did not know as kids, but that little boy at school who never looked you in the eye, never had the spark and always avoided the teacher might have been autistic. To hear it in the words of the parents, "It's physically and mentally exhausting to look after him (the child). If you are not watching him, somebody else has to watch him.. all the time and let them not drift into his own shell.."
On the show there was a mother who got divorced from her husband as there was no balance left in her life, while taking care of the child. There was a family who sold their house to meet the financial expenses of their autistic child's treatment. In the mother's words "I loved that house. I remember walking out, and I just looked at that house for one last time. It was almost like looking at my life that could have been."
It's not just the parents, but the siblings of an autistic child suffer too.. suffer from lack of attention, embarrassment and always having to make sacrifices. Read about 'Living with Autism'

Picture this: 3. Conjoined Twins.
Yes, we've heard of many conjoined twins.. joined at the shoulders, joined at the head. Now try this.. conjoined twins, who have only one pair of legs and one kidney on the whole. They even learnt to crawl which was nearly impossible. The biggest decision the parents had to take - separate them. which might lead to the children's death on the surgery table. A 26 hour surgery, and the twins are separated. The mother later donated her kidney to one of the children, so that each could have one kidney now.
Read about these people who fought the odds.

Why read about all these people and make you feel like I'm telling sob stories? Well, next time when things don't go your way and you are struggling to feel strong, try thinking about them. That helped me..

How to be like a man..

The other day I read an article in Marie Claire which explained why women may end up crying at work while men don't.

Apparently crying has direct linkage to the estrogen and prolactin the body produces. There were many other reasons explained in a "no nonsense psychological perspective". Find the article here

Anyways, today I came up with my own list of "How to think and act like a man.."
Oh yeah.... as a 21st century liberal women, I should embrace my feminism and feel comfortable in it, be completely in love with the Earthy Goddess/Crazy Banshee/Emotional Woman inside me.

Stop that crap! But why?.. well, you'll know why when a person at work or in life says something on the lines of "Why are you soooo emotional/ You are taking things to heart/I don't see why you interpreted it that way/There is no reason to cry".. (Oh! it gets better!..then the person sighs and gives an expression which reads "Typical Girl Material")

So my dear girls, here is the list... Kick some ass out there.. Think exactly as men do!

1. If something upsetting happens (co-worker giving you a hard time/boss yelling at you/a fight with the sales person), don't go over every small detail again and again in your head. This kind of obsessing behavior only leads to "too much talk about a bad day" and might even lead to tears. Instead, take your mind off it, cook, clean, watch TV, play a game, yell swear words at that f**king bad driver infront of you, blow the horn off, have crazy non-stop sex with your significant other.... Whatever, just chuck it...

2. Keep "Love", "Life", "Career" in different intellectual, financial, emotional boxes in your head. Don't toss contents or feelings from one box to the other. Yeah, we are told thinking of the "big picture" is important. But, on a daily basis, just chuck the "big picture". Fix/ Approach each box or department seperately.

3. Don't overanalyze, don't over think, just let go and if you are one of those persons who absolutely needs to think always - pick a puzzle, a crossword, sudoku, unscramble, break your head over it. But, don't you dare think about that tiny, little smirk the office b***h gave you, don't overanalyze the tone of your colleague, don't even add any more weight to that "I love you" your boyfriend whispers in your ear everyday (For God's sake! .. today's 'I love you' is no different. He says it everyday because 'he loves you'. That's it! That extra sexy whisper you detected doesn't mean he is putting the ring on your finger today. He'll do when he is ready and No! he doesn't drop hints about it, you idiot!)

4. Don't multitask! Just don't!! Yes, there was a time, not even a decade ago, when this was actually claimed as the reason for women getting sooo much done in a day. Men were told they were not equipped to multi-task.(and we thought "poor idiots!") But now, it has been scientifically concluded that multitasking in the head, at work, at home will only bring down the quality of your work! Yes, it does. You have too many thoughts, too many tasks, and then what happens?... you snap at the first person who has a squeaky voice, you give the "I'm irritated" face to your man!, you almost tell your kid to 'shut the f**k up'. Then what happens?.. You feel bad, you apologize, you try to explain why you lost it, and then .. you cry!! :(

5. You don't need to show your love, hate, feelings in words all the time. What is it about women, which makes us say "I love you darling!" and never hear it half those times from our men and then brood over this fact? What is it about us that makes us whisper to our best friend "I hate her guts!" about a colleague and keep talking about all the stupid stuff she did to us for an hour, then feel bad "Oh my god!, I just b***hed about her". Instead why can't you just ignore her at the cafeteria and when somebody else whispers to you "XYZ did something new with her hair", just give a nonchalant  "uh-huh" and enjoy the bloody coffee! If you really want to show love towards somebody, catch a game of Wii with them, have a pillow fight, and then go back to painting your nails! Simple.

6. Get rid of the guilt when you feel you were bitchy or unfair towards someone. If you care about this person, just cool it off for a while and then say "So, how about a beer and wings?", "How about some pop-corn and dvds tonight." If you don't care about this person, or he was stranger whom you can't find and apologize, just master the concept of "subjective memory" I'm not asking you to be a an actual b***h all the time and then make up. I'm just asking you to cut your self some slack.. and tell yourself - "Hey I'm just human... cut the chase.. get some food and fun in the system"


So, this is my list girls... If you have some more, please do add up! Thanks :)

Your's truly, manly :P
Sivani


(yeah I know, signing off as "manly" is going to turn off all those guys.. you know what! I don't give a rat's hoot about you idiots!!!!! "Kiss My ..."  I'm getting some vodka with my pasta and then I'm going to watch TV while I pick my teeth!..)