what's going on?

The last few weeks were hectic and gruesome.

I lost an uncle to cancer. He spent the last 8 months in a hospital bed.
I visited him quite a few times. Sometimes, I even thought he was getting better, hearing the energy in his voice and his conversations.
But, I guess "Cancer is a sentence, not a word" despite of what the books claim.

I visited him last week before I had to go away on a business trip. I knew deep down this was going to be my last visit to him. I sat at his bedside for around 3 hours. Parts of the visit were fine, we talked idle stuff. We even discussed politics!! But, Saying goodbye was so tough!..

When a dying man looks you in the eye, smiles and says.. "I'm not afraid. I let go. What are you afraid of? Why are you pulling back?" .. you don't have an answer. Eyes brimming with tears I was holding back, I said "Maama, take care." I couldn't get myself to say 'bye.'

He gave me the most peaceful smile, and said "Ofcourse! you take care."

I went home, packed for my trip, spent the next four days thinking about work and nothing else. I came back to Hyderabad and one hour later, got the news that he died.

I had no plans of visiting him after death. I did not want to be a part of the rituals and pay my respects. I already shared my love and he knew that I respected him. No sense in having a look at the dead body.

The next two days I buried myself in work. I've known for a long time that Death destroys life, not the memories.
Something funny/surreal/crazy struck after the day of his demise. I was walking towards my office building and doing a mental checklist of "things to do." Somehow, I ended up putting 'Visit to the hospital' in the evening after work. I told myself, I need not visit the hospital anymore and then a part of my mind said "Maybe, if you just went there, you would find him in his usual bed?"  It was momentary and I found it funny in a pathetic way. The mind keeps playing these tricks.

I don't know what's better: 1. Not knowing that you are gonna die the next minute or the next hour or the next day.
2. Knowing you are gonna die slowly. It's terminal. Say your goodbyes, let go! Set everything right. Tell them all not to cry. Stop thinking "If only.."

Types of Domestic Abuse

Disclaimer: Before you jump to conclusions, No!.. I'm not talking about men abusing women or vice versa. I'm talking about the kinds of abuse I do. If you are thinking about filing a case, "This is work of fiction, and any resemblance to actual people including me is purely coincidental"


My Handbag:

Yes, my handbag is the most abused person on earth :)
The way I handle it .. trust me.. if I handled a grown up man like this, he would cry. (of course I can make men cry even without treating them like my handbag :P )
The other day I was shopping, and I suddenly realized the amount of torture and toil my bag takes.
I always carry big bags. My fav is a black, no nonsense, comfortable bag from Baggit. I personally feel a lot of thought has gone into it's design. The separate counters and zips to hold little things... they just make my life easy.

My home keys, my pen drives, CDs, Big fat books, my pens, little paper notes scribbled when some idea pops into my head, my ultra sleek cel phone which is always hiding, my lip gloss and eye liner (yes those are two things I carry), my shades(can't do without them this summer), n last but not least my wallet. I literally carry my world along with me.

But then, the way I dump half this stuff - including all the grocery bills, shopping bills, little ear rings I may have picked at some store, hair clips and paper clips, a newspaper clipping I need to save, my random to-do lists, my tooth brush(I always carry one!) - just made me realize the amount of crap load my bag takes.

And when I don't find a certain little thing, I have this ridiculous habit of shaking the bag and tossing it up (as if it was a magic sack, I just have to dip my fingers and Lo!.. found it!) If my fingers don't find what I'm looking for, I toss all the contents on to my table and ... oh!.. you know the rest :)

My Bed

This is another eternally abused persons, actually abused in a more intimate way. :P

My bed, on a very good day, is filled with only wires. Internet cable, laptop charger, phone charger, ear phones. If it is only this stuff, I would say my double-cot bed is pretty clean. But most of the days (well.. always!) my CDs, my laptop, my books, the clean clothes which I took out from drying, my unfolded dupatta which I discarded after a tiring work day, the newspaper I read in bed that day morning - all of these are on the bed. Given that I eat my food before the laptop, so my bed serves as the dining table .. Voila! How versatile is that? It's my dinner table, my study table, my work table and my bed too!

It takes around 20 minutes to make my bed, out of which it only takes 3 minutes to lay the bed sheets. So you know what stuff I need to clean up for the rest of the time :)

Will keep adding to this post of abused people in my life..